I Can't Abide 55!

Today is my 62nd birthday. I wrote this rather humorous piece for my 55th, and republish it every year because it's still true.

I came into this world at exactly 4:00 am on the eighth of September, 1955. Some quick math tells me that I am going to be double nickles this year. Noooooo. I am very happy to be alive, but I can't find one good thing about turning 55. Where has all the time gone? It seems like just yesterday that I shed a tear at turning 20. I still feel the same as I did back then, but one quick look in the full length mirror (a quick look is all I can handle), tells me all I need to know.

Here is my Top Ten List of why it sucks to be 55.

10) I'm too young to retire, but too old to pick up hotties.

9) My physique used to resemble a "V". It still does, but now it is inverted.

8) I am starting to get ads in the mail for burial plots.

7) Cougars are not interested in me.

6) Social Security will be gone by the time I reach 62.

5) I am paying attention to Viagra ads.

4) Even my wife needs to be bribed to go to bed with me.

3) I see people my age and think "he's an old fuck".

2) I'm thinking of dumping my Ford Escape for a Ferrari.

And the number one reason it sucks to be 55, the only time I make women wet, is when I make them laugh, or sneeze.

A Day In the Life Of Me (At 73)

I am a middle-aged guy. I recently turned 53. Like most middle-aged people, my body is showing the signs of wear and tear. My hearing is getting worse, my hair is starting to show a touch of gray, my old wrestling injuries are coming back to nag me, I forget where I left my keys, etc., etc.

They say that the 50's are the youth of old age; well, if that's the case, I'm not sure I want to find out how the "geezer" days of old age are going to turn out.
With that in mind, I have a song depicting how I envision life twenty years from now. It's sung to the tune of "A Day In the Life", by the Beatles:

I woke up today, oh boy!
I'm still alive, I see, what a joy!
Went down to eat some breakfast,
But it just had to wait,
I couldn't masticate (My teeth are gone).

I saw a dirty film today, oh boy!
I got a hard on, a rare joy!
I went and showed it to my wife,
Thought I might get a poke,
But she just cracked a joke!

I don't turn....her....on!

Stood up, to stretch my back,
But my muscles started to cramp.
So I went to the bar and had a shot,
I was in a spot (if you know what I mean).

Fell down, and grabbed my thigh,
Took some pills to get me by,
I crawled outside to have a smoke,
But I had a stroke
And I let out a big scream...

Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhhh!
Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhhh!

I saw the Doc today, oh boy!
"Fit as a fiddle," he said, oh what joy!
He said I'd live to see ninety-three,
But I just had to cringe,
Gotta get some booze because I'm goin' on a binge!

I can't go onnnnnnnnn.......!

I Can't Abide 55! (actually 59)

Monday is my birthday, so I am re posting an article I wrote for my 55th birthday four years ago.  My sentiments are pretty much the same, but I am closer to retiring.

I came into this world at exactly 4:00am on the eighth of September, 1955. Some quick math tells me that I am going to be double nickles this year. Noooooo. I am very happy to be alive, but I can't find one good thing about turning 55. Where has all the time gone? It seems like just yesterday that I shed a tear at turning 20. I still feel the same as I did back then, but one quick look in the full length mirror (a quick look is all I can handle), tells me all I need to know.

Here is my Top Ten List of why it sucks to be 55.

10) I'm too young to retire, but too old to pick up hotties.

9) My physique used to resemble a "V". It still does, but now it is inverted.

8) I am starting to get ads in the mail for burial plots.

7) Cougars are not interested in me.

6) Social Security will be gone by the time I reach 62.

5) I am paying attention to Viagra ads.

4) Even my wife needs to be bribed to go to bed with me.

3) I see people my age and think "he's an old fuck".

2) I'm thinking of dumping my Ford Escape for a Ferrari.

And the number one reason it sucks to be 55, the only time I make women wet, is when I make them laugh, or sneeze.

I Can't Abide...55!

I came into this world at exactly 4:00 am on the eighth of September, 1955. Some quick math tells me that I am going to be double nickels this year. Noooooo. I am very happy to be alive, but I can't find one good thing about turning 55. Where has all the time gone? It seems like just yesterday that I shed a tear at turning 20. I still feel the same as I did back then, but one quick look in the full length mirror (a quick look is all I can handle), tells me all I need to know.

Here is my Top Ten List of why it sucks to be 55.

10) I'm too young to retire, but too old to pick up hotties.

9) My physique used to resemble a "V". It still does, but now it is inverted.

8) I am starting to get ads in the mail for burial plots.

7) Cougars are not interested in me.

6) Social Security will be gone by the time I reach 62.

5) I am paying attention to Viagra ads.

4) Even my wife needs to be bribed to go to bed with me.

3) I see people my age and think "he's an old fuck".

2) I'm thinking of dumping my Ford Escape for a Ferrari.

And the number one reason it sucks to be 55, the only time I make women wet, is when I make them laugh, or sneeze.

A Day In the Life (Of Me At 73)

I am a middle-aged guy. I recently turned 53. Like most middle-aged people, my body is showing the signs of wear and tear. My hearing is getting worse, my hair is starting to show a touch of gray, my old wrestling injuries are coming back to nag me, I forget where I left my keys, etc., etc.






They say that the 50's are the youth of old age; well, if that's the case, I'm not sure I want to find out how the "geezer" days of old age are going to turn out. With that in mind, I have a song depicting how I envision life twenty years from now. It's sung to the tune of " A Day In the Life " by the Beatles:










 




I woke up today, oh boy!






I'm still alive, I see, what a joy!






Went down to eat some breakfast,






But it just had to wait,






I couldn't masticate (My teeth are gone).






I saw a dirty film today, oh boy!






I got an erection, a rare joy!






I went and showed it to my wife,






Thought I might get a poke,






But she just cracked a joke!






I don't turn....her....on!






Stood up, to stretch my back,






But my muscles started to cramp.






I went to the bar and had a shot,






I was in a spot (if you know what I mean).






Fell down, and grabbed my thigh,






Took some pills to get me by,






I crawled outside to have a smoke,






But I had a stroke






And I let out a big scream...






Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhhh!






Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhhh!






I saw the Doc today, oh boy!






"Fit as a fiddle," he said, oh what joy!






He said I'd live to see ninety-three,






But I just had to cringe,






Gotta get some booze because I'm goin' on a binge!






I can't go onnnnnnnnn.......!

I Can't Abide...55!!

I came into this world at exactly 4:00am on the eighth of September, 1955.  Some quick math tells me that I am going to be double nickles this year.  Noooooo.  I am very happy to be alive, but I can't find one good thing about turning 55.  Where has all the time gone?  It seems like just yesterday that I shed a tear at turning 20.  I still feel the same as I did back then, but one quick look in the full length mirror (a quick look is all I can handle), tells me all I need to know.


Here is my Top Ten List of why it sucks to be 55.


10)  I'm too young to retire, but too old to pick up hotties.


9)  My physique used to resemble a "V".  It still does, but  now it is inverted.

8)  I am starting to get ads in the mail for burial plots.

7)  Cougars are not interested in me.


6)  Social Security will be gone by the time I reach 62.


5)  I am paying attention to Viagra ads.


4)  Even my wife needs to be bribed to go to bed with me.


3)  I see people my age and think "he's an old fuck".


2)  I'm thinking of dumping my Ford Escape for a Ferrari.


And the number one reason it sucks to be 55,  the only time I make women wet, is when I make them laugh, or sneeze.

A Day In the Life (Of Me At 73)

I am a middle-aged guy. I recently turned 53. Like most middle-aged people, my body is showing the signs of wear and tear. My hearing is getting worse, my hair is starting to show a touch of gray, my old wrestling injuries are coming back to nag me, I forget where I left my keys, etc., etc.

They say that the 50's are the youth of old age; well, if that's the case, I'm not sure I want to find out how the "geezer" days of old age are going to turn out. With that in mind, I have a song depicting how I envision life twenty years from now. It's sung to the tune of "A Day In the Life", by the Beatles:

I woke up today, oh boy!
I'm still alive, I see, what a joy!
Went down to eat some breakfast,
But it just had to wait,
I couldn't masticate (My teeth are gone).

I saw a dirty film today, oh boy!
I got a hard on, a rare joy!
I went and showed it to my wife,
Thought I might get a poke,
But she just cracked a joke!

I don't turn....her....on!

Stood up, to stretch my back,
But my muscles started to cramp.
I went to the bar and had a shot,
I was in a spot (if you know what I mean).

Fell down, and grabbed my thigh,
Took some pills to get me by,
I crawled outside to have a smoke,
But I had a stroke
And I let out a big scream...

Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhhh!
Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhhh!

I saw the Doc today, oh boy!
"Fit as a fiddle," he said, oh what joy!
He said I'd live to see ninety-three,
But I just had to cringe,
Gotta get some booze because I'm goin' on a binge!

I can't go onnnnnnnnn.......!