Middle Aged, and It Sucks

Feeling depressed today. Kinda feeling my age. Today a very hot flight attendant came walking down the aisle of a 757 jet. Now this aircraft is 150ft or so long, and I was standing in the rear, so I got a real nice, long look of her and her long sexy legs. It was all very nice until she came up to me, and I gave her my best smile and said "how are you today?". She said "ok" and she didn't say anything more. I then realized, that I am too old for her to even consider.

I wasn't really all that crushed, until later when I got a chance to think about it. God damn, I'm never gonna be able to pull prime pussy anymore! I'm old and chubby, and I smell like cigars, and shit! That really sucks! And it really does.

Never again will I ever feel the delight of scoring a "ten". But then considering that all the "tens" are about my daughters age, and that I am married, and that she would cut my balls off if I ever did get that lucky, I felt a little better. But I still feel old.

Oh well, there are still some hot looking FA's that are around middle age that I could still pull. Not that I would, mind you, I am married, and that cutting off of the balls part scares me. But never the less, I COULD pull it.

As long as I suck in my tummy.

I Can't Abide...55!!

I came into this world at exactly 4:00am on the eighth of September, 1955.  Some quick math tells me that I am going to be double nickles this year.  Noooooo.  I am very happy to be alive, but I can't find one good thing about turning 55.  Where has all the time gone?  It seems like just yesterday that I shed a tear at turning 20.  I still feel the same as I did back then, but one quick look in the full length mirror (a quick look is all I can handle), tells me all I need to know.


Here is my Top Ten List of why it sucks to be 55.


10)  I'm too young to retire, but too old to pick up hotties.


9)  My physique used to resemble a "V".  It still does, but  now it is inverted.

8)  I am starting to get ads in the mail for burial plots.

7)  Cougars are not interested in me.


6)  Social Security will be gone by the time I reach 62.


5)  I am paying attention to Viagra ads.


4)  Even my wife needs to be bribed to go to bed with me.


3)  I see people my age and think "he's an old fuck".


2)  I'm thinking of dumping my Ford Escape for a Ferrari.


And the number one reason it sucks to be 55,  the only time I make women wet, is when I make them laugh, or sneeze.

A Day In the Life (Of Me At 73)

I am a middle-aged guy. I recently turned 53. Like most middle-aged people, my body is showing the signs of wear and tear. My hearing is getting worse, my hair is starting to show a touch of gray, my old wrestling injuries are coming back to nag me, I forget where I left my keys, etc., etc.

They say that the 50's are the youth of old age; well, if that's the case, I'm not sure I want to find out how the "geezer" days of old age are going to turn out. With that in mind, I have a song depicting how I envision life twenty years from now. It's sung to the tune of "A Day In the Life", by the Beatles:

I woke up today, oh boy!
I'm still alive, I see, what a joy!
Went down to eat some breakfast,
But it just had to wait,
I couldn't masticate (My teeth are gone).

I saw a dirty film today, oh boy!
I got a hard on, a rare joy!
I went and showed it to my wife,
Thought I might get a poke,
But she just cracked a joke!

I don't turn....her....on!

Stood up, to stretch my back,
But my muscles started to cramp.
I went to the bar and had a shot,
I was in a spot (if you know what I mean).

Fell down, and grabbed my thigh,
Took some pills to get me by,
I crawled outside to have a smoke,
But I had a stroke
And I let out a big scream...

Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhhh!
Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhh, Ah, Ah, Ahhhh!

I saw the Doc today, oh boy!
"Fit as a fiddle," he said, oh what joy!
He said I'd live to see ninety-three,
But I just had to cringe,
Gotta get some booze because I'm goin' on a binge!

I can't go onnnnnnnnn.......!

Sliding Down the Razor Blade of Life

When I was a young lad, my life was one game after another; not figuratively, but literally. During the baseball season my friends, and brothers, and I, played baseball everyday. During football season, we played football, and during the winter we played hockey. It was a great childhood. When I got older, I played sports in high school. I wrestled, played football, ran track and cross country, and even lettered in golf. Those were good years also.

When I went to college I still played some inter-mural sports, but because I was paying my own way through school, I also had to work. My sports career ended on a bad note, when during a co-ed broom ball game, I caught a broom stick in the mouth by a girl who didn't know you can't throw high sticks. With two real teeth less than before, I started my working career full time.

Life has been kind of down hill ever since. Not that it has been all bad, I've raised two great kids; but now I have to face the pressures of being a grownup...everyday. My life is like a pinball machine, I bounce from one challenge, to another, to another, ad infinitum. As soon as I fix one problem, sure enough, another one comes along to take its place. I seek a respite, a break in the action, but I'm too old to play anything except cards and my TV remote.

Fortunately, I have two outlets to help me stay young in body and mind. I still run, (not as much as before 9/11, when I could put five miles in during lunch time, until airport security got too restrictive); and I still log between 12-20 miles a week. I also write a blog. Between thinking about what the hell I'm going to write about, and thinking about what the hell I'm actually writing, its a great way to get my mind off today's problems.

Well, Doc, I see my time's about up. Time to get off your couch until our next session. Thanks for listening to me, I'll see you in a couple of days.