Middle Aged, and It Sucks

Feeling depressed today. Kinda feeling my age. Today a very hot flight attendant came walking down the aisle of a 757 jet. Now this aircraft is 150 feet or so long, and I was standing in the rear, so I got a real nice, long look of her and her long sexy legs. It was all very nice until she came up to me, and I gave her my best smile and said "how are you today?". She said "ok" and she didn't say anything more. I then realized, that I am too old for her to even consider.

I wasn't really all that crushed, until later when I got a chance to think about it. God damn, I'm never gonna be able to pull prime pussy anymore! I'm old and chubby, and I smell like cigars, and shit! That really sucks! And it really does.

Never again will I ever feel the delight of scoring a "ten". But then considering that all the "tens" are about my daughters age, and that I am married, and that she would cut my balls off if I ever did get that lucky, I felt a little better. But I still feel old.

Oh well, there are still some hot looking FA's that are around middle age that I could still pull. Not that I would, mind you, I am married, and that cutting off of the balls part scares me. But never the less, I COULD pull it.

As long as I suck in my tummy.

Middle Aged, and It Sucks

Feeling depressed today. Kinda feeling my age. Today a very hot flight attendant came walking down the aisle of a 757 jet. Now this aircraft is 150ft or so long, and I was standing in the rear, so I got a real nice, long look of her and her long sexy legs. It was all very nice until she came up to me, and I gave her my best smile and said "how are you today?". She said "ok" and she didn't say anything more. I then realized, that I am too old for her to even consider.

I wasn't really all that crushed, until later when I got a chance to think about it. God damn, I'm never gonna be able to pull prime pussy anymore! I'm old and chubby, and I smell like cigars, and shit! That really sucks!

And it really does.

Never again will I ever feel the delight of scoring a "ten". But then considering that all the "tens" are about my daughters age, and that I am married, and that she would cut my balls off if I ever did get that lucky, I felt alittle better.

But I still feel old.

Oh well, there are still some hot looking flight attendants that are around middle age that I could still pull. Not that I would, mind you, I am married, and that cutting off of the balls part scares me. But never the less, I COULD pull it.

As long as I suck in my tummy.

Stupid Things

I am dangerous with a knife in my hands. My fingers and other digits cringe in fear whenever I decide I need to cut or slice something. Sometimes, I forget which side of the blade I need to cut with, and which side I need to push down on. Other times I forget to get my fingers out of the way when I close the knife; and other times I just forget that I have a knife in my hand. Fortunately my propensity for doing stupid things with a knife is off set by my ability to heal quickly.

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I also do other stupid things, such as lock my keys in the car, leave my head lights on, (thank God for that little buzzer), leave the stove on, lean back on kitchen chairs, and run on wet tile floors. I have down loaded programs that aren’t compatible with my version of windows, left my cell phone in my shirt pocket, then bent over to flush the toilet, and lit my back yard gas grill with a match when the gas was on high. My miraculous healing abilities, high endurance of pain, hard head, quick growing eye brows, and AAA have helped me recover from some of these.

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I have been known to run my mouth without engaging my brain, walk into objects that are in plain sight, light my nose on fire instead of my cigar (I have a big nose), walk into opposing stadiums wearing Raider’s clothes, throwing my whites in with the colored laundry (I went through college wearing pink underwear), wear sneakers to a dance on a gym floor, and hammer my thumb instead of the nail.

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We all do stupid things; after all we are only human. I think the only really stupid thing is to do them a second or third time. With the exception of wearing Raider’s gear to opposing stadiums, I do my best to learn from my mistakes. My guardian angel is busy enough with the mistakes I make the first time around.

Wilbur and Us Chapter 14..."The Pig Whisperer"

Now we had a green pig, but that was not all that had turned green. Besides Jeff’s carpet, the fronts of two dressers, and a door that Wilbur had rubbed against, were now permanently green.

Wilbur had turned into a Denis the Menace with hooves. He was always getting into trouble, and he was always getting yelled at or spanked for something. They say that cats are curious creatures, but they are nothing compared to an over grown, spoiled rotten, teenage pig. We had to “Wilbur-proof” our entire house by putting brass plates on the bottom of the patio doors, putting latches on cupboard, closet, laundry, and bed room doors; any place we wanted to try to keep Wilbur out of. Considering that this was the pig that wanted nothing to do with us his first week, we now could not get away from him! He was always under foot or getting into something he shouldn’t be. But just like that teenage kid you have that you want to hug, and strangle at the same time, we loved Wilbur, and we knew he loved us.

As much as we all loved Wilbur, we were also getting very tired of yelling at him all of the time. I didn’t know it, but Wilbur was also tired of getting yelled at all the time.

One evening after I got home from work, I was sitting on the back patio watching my favorite shows on TIVO, enjoying a cold beer, smoking a cigar, and sipping on a shot of bourbon. The dogs were inside eating their supper, so Wilbur was on the patio with me with the doors shut tight. Wilbur wanted to get inside to help the dogs finish off their suppers, so he was trying to pry the doors open with his big bottom teeth. After yelling at him about five times to leave the doors alone, and to go lie down, I had had enough. He had started trying to open the doors one more time when I stood up and screamed at him “Wilbur you are not going in the house! Go lie down before I wail the shit out of you!” Instead of running away Wilbur spun around and faced me defiantly. This was it! Father and teenage son squared off in a battle of wills. I was staring at him ready to either attack or defend myself, when I received a telepathic message in my head. “Why are you so mean to me? And why are you always yelling at me?” I immediately relaxed and said out loud in a calm but firm voice to him. “I yell at you because you do not listen to me. You have to understand that I am the boss, and what I say goes. If you will do as I say, I agree not to yell at you any more. Now go lie down and be a good pig.” Wilbur turned and walked to the other side of the patio and laid down.

Now I know that there are plenty of you out there asking yourself, “Just how many beers, and shots did you have Mike?” and to be truthful it was probably a couple of each; but the experience was real to me, and real to Wilbur, because I have not had to yell at him to get him to obey since. Rhea was very skeptical when I told her the story, but she could not account for the fact that Wilbur would listen, and obey me without having to be yelled at.

The next summer on a very hot and humid day, (as they all are here in South Florida) I came out on the patio after work. Wilbur was looking into the house through the door windows. I could see he was agitated and wanted to go inside so I asked him “What’s the matter Wilbur?” He told me in no uncertain terms that he was upset that the dogs got to stay inside the cool air-conditioned house, while he had to stay outside in the heat. I said to him, “Mommy wants you outside because she is afraid you will sneak off and hump the furniture. If you promise to leave the furniture alone, I will let you inside, but if I catch you humping the furniture, I will kick you outside, and you will spend the rest of the night outside.” Wilbur agreed. As I opened the door to let him in, Rhea said, “What are you doing? I want him outside away from the furniture!” I told her that Wilbur was jealous that the dogs get to stay inside in the cool, and that he wasn’t. I also told her that Wilbur promised to leave the furniture alone. She begrudging let him in. Wilbur walked over to an open area of the rug and laid down. He kept his word not to mess with the furniture the rest of that summer.

Now Wilbur does not always communicate with me telepathically; he normally will just grunt his displeasure if I make him do something he doesn’t want to do, just like any kid would; and I think that is cute. He is a little grumpy in the morning when he first wakes up, like most people, and he doesn’t like to be prodded outside to go to the bathroom. He is also a little grumpy when he is tired and wants to go to bed. He often reminds both Rhea, and me of my son Mitchell, who is a bit of a grouch. We think they are both cute.

Bail Me Out...Please!

Will wonders never cease? It’s true, strange things happen every day. Reports today stated that the government has speculated that Bank of America would need to receive another 34 billion dollars in order to survive the economic uncertainties of the next few months. However Bank of America has stated that they are solid, and that they had a very good first quarter of this year. They are saying that they really don’t think they need any more bail out money.

My guess is that they saw the scrutiny that AIG went through after they received their last bail out, and don’t want any part of that and the death threats that all of their management people received after they decided to give that money out as bonuses. They simply don’t have the gumption, and I guess they really don’t need the money that badly.

I, on the other hand do have the gumption, and will be glad to under go the scrutiny involved. As long as the government is in a giving mood, I would like them to give me the money. Unlike AIG I would spend the money wisely. Here is how my press conference would go six months after I got my bail out.

“Sir, there are reports that after you received one billion dollars of the people’s money, that you have gone on a reckless spending spree, wasting much of the hard earned money of the American People.” “Nonsense” I would reply, “Let me account for my spending.” “After receiving the money I realized that in order for me to a fully actualized, healthy person I would need to be able to exercise regularly, so I ordered a full size basketball court, and an Olympic sized swimming pool to be installed. I also decided that to be fully actualized, I would need to be able to entertain guests in my home, so I ordered a walk in humidor filled with various Cuban, Dominican, and Honduran cigars, a walk in refrigerator filled with beers from around the world, and several cases of George Dickel No. 12 Tennessee whiskey, Crown Royal, and Dom Perrignon. However when the construction people arrived they told me I didn’t have the space to do all of this, so I bought all of the houses on my block and had them torn down so I could have a four story 145 room mansion built. Of course I couldn’t possibly live in a house with 145 empty rooms, so I installed HDTV’s, and exotic furnishings from around the world in all of them. My Ford Escape has been running a little rough lately, and that has caused my anxiety level, and my blood pressure to rise to dangerous levels. Since my health is very important to me, I had the Escape towed away, and I replaced it with a Ferrari, Porsche Spider, Rolls Royce, and a Bentley. My reasoning was that if one of them should have problems, I would have the others to fall back on, thereby reducing the stress in my life. As you can see I spent the people’s money very wisely. Oh, by the way, I also installed a 12 ft. electric fence, security system, and bullet-proof windows. Any other questions?”

Things That Irk Me

I am normally an up beat positive type of a guy. I do my best to keep a positive attitude even under the most stressful situations, but there are certain things that people do that will never fail to irk me. Some people call these things “pet peeves”, but I prefer to call them “things that irk me” (I just think ‘irk' is a great, under used word). So here it is Mike’s official list of “Things That Irk Me”.

1) Push handles on pull doors

2) People who just have to pull out in front of you, when there are no cars behind you, then make a left hand turn 100 ft. down the road.

3) Loud mouths

4) Greedy people

5) Hooray for me, and f#&k you, type of people

6) Drivers waiting to make a left hand turn in front of you that won’t move into the center of the intersection.

7) Power driven policemen who forget that they are being paid to serve and protect.

8) Warm beer

9) Cigarette smokers who complain when I light up a cigar.

10)People who love to tease and, dish out verbal abuse, but get indignant, and offended when you do the same to them.

11)People talking on cell phones when they are paying for their groceries.

12)People sending text messages on cell phones while they are (supposedly) driving.

13)Tailgaters

14)Wet cigars

15)Guys who can’t lift the toilet seat to piss

16)People who steal your lunch at work

17)Nosy, gossiping people

18)A bed that smells like “dog”

19)Slow golfers

20)Shoppers that block the whole aisle with their shopping carts

21)Cars that won’t start

22)Anything that won’t work, when I want it to

23)Flat tires

24)Beautiful women, that know that they are beautiful

25)Spam

26)Telemarketers calling at suppertime

27)Commercials that insult my manhood and, intelligence

28)Dead cell phone batteries

29)Racists

30)Varmints, flies, and cockroaches

31)Neighborhood cats in heat

32)Potholes

33)Not being able to find my car keys at 3:45 AM, because they weren’t hung up.

34)Pull handles on push doors

Wow, I never realized there are so many things that irk me! What was that I was saying before about being positive and up beat? Forget that!