Wednesday, April 1, 2015

A Transcendental State Of Gullibility

This was my next nefarious scheme after "The Easter Egg Eating Contest"

When I was a young teen there was this girl that everyone had the hots for; her name was Pam Prue. Pam was a gorgeous girl for a fifteen year old. She had long flowing hair, a pretty face, and a big set of knockers; all of these things were rare for a fifteen year old girl in my school. All of the boys in school had the hots for her. One of these boys was my older brother Albert. Pam used to ride the same bus as Albert and I, and Albert was always drooling over her. The problem for Albert was that since she was so beautiful, she had her pick of any guy she wanted to go out with. Albert was over weight, and obnoxious, so he never really had any chance with her, and he knew it.

Shortly after the end of my freshman year during the summer vacation I was hanging around at my friend Doug’s house. Doug’s parents both worked during the day so Doug’s house was the logical place for us kids to hang out at during the day. Doug and I were bored, very bored and we didn’t know what to do for kicks. We were so bored that I finally said to Doug “I’m going to call Albert to see what he’s up to.” This shocked Doug because we NEVER wanted Albert to hang around with us.

I called my house and Albert picked up the phone “Hello” he said. I really don’t know what came over me, but I said in as high a voice as I could muster “Hello, Albert, this is Pam Prue.” Albert replied “Really?” I figured Albert would recognize my voice immediately but he didn’t, he really thought it was Pam Prue on the phone! Since I had Albert on the line (both literally and figuratively) I kept going using bashful sounding pauses to figure out what I was going to say. “Yes” I said, “Since school has ended I have missed not seeing you on the bus. I was wondering if maybe you could come by and see me?” Albert, noticeably taken by surprise said “Really?” I said “Yes really. I have been noticing you a lot lately and I think you are kind of cute. Can you come to my house and spend some time with me?” Albert said, I would like to but I have to mow the back yard right now.” “Well can you come over after you finish? I really would like to see you.” Albert replied, “I’ll be over as soon as I get done.” I said “Please hurry, I really want to see you!” Albert said “I’ll be there in an hour.” Then he hung up.

I hung up the phone and looked at Doug who was sitting at the table agape not believing what just happened. I said, “Let’s wait ten minutes then walk down to my house.” We waited ten minutes then made the short walk to my house. Out in the back yard was Albert sprinting back and forth across the back yard with the lawn mower! It took all of our self control not to bust out laughing until we got in the garage where Albert couldn't see us. We weren't laughing very long because here came Albert. Albert threw the lawn mower in the corner of the garage, jumped on my little sister’s banana bike that he was two sizes too big for and started peddling off. “Where are you going in such a hurry?” I shouted to him as he left. “Never mind you turkeys!” was all he said as he peddled away on the three mile trip to Pam’s house. Doug and I continued laughing our butts off until our sides were sore. Albert had once again reached a transcendental state of gullibility.

About an hour later I went home for lunch. My mother had various cold cuts and bread on the kitchen table so we could make sandwiches. Albert was making a sandwich so I strategically went on the other side of the table to make mine. I causally mentioned to Albert, “So Albert, how is Pam Prue?” Albert burst out “You son of a bitch!” and started chasing me around the table to a chorus of “Stop! Stop!” by my mother. I made a dash for the door and away I went.

Forty years have come and gone since that day. I have never found out what happened when Albert showed up at Pam’s front door. To this day Albert maintains he figured out my scheme before he got to her house, and turned around.

I know Albert better than that.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

The Easter Egg Eating Contest

I grew up in a family of five kids. Albert, was the oldest, followed closely (ten months), by me. The fact that we were so close of age is probably what led to his downfall. Albert was really a pretty good brother, especially as big brothers go. However he had committed a sin for which I could never forgive him. He was born before me. I was always a motivated individual, and a schemer. Albert was overweight, and pretty laid back. He was also very gullible. This made him perfect for my schemes.
My best friend Doug's parents both worked during the day, so we often hung out at his place. Doug was the muse for my schemes. One Good Friday, we were off from school, so that meant I was hanging out at Doug's house. Doug said to me "Hey, I colored a bunch of Easter eggs." I said "So what?" Then he went on to explain that he colored four raw eggs, besides the hard boiled ones. "I colored all the raw eggs red so I would know which ones they were. But I haven't figured out what to do with them." I said to Doug, "Grab two good eggs, and one red egg, and let's walk down to my house and see if Albert is home." Doug said "What ya gonna do?" I said "I don't know but I'll figure out something."
We walked down the street to my house with the eggs. Outside my house,in the side yard, was Albert. 
The situation was perfect.
I walked up to Albert, and said "Albert, Doug and I officially challenge you to an Easter egg eating contest!" Doug then showed Albert the colored eggs. Albert said "Okay turkeys! I'll kick your asses!" "Doug officially present Albert with the official Easter egg" I said as officially as I could. Doug handed Albert the red egg. "Albert, these are the official rules to the Easter egg eating contest. On the count of three you will crack the egg on your forehead, shell it, eat it,and the first one to whistle wins. Got it?" Albert said "You turkeys, I'll kick your asses!" Meanwhile Doug is shooting me sideways glances, not believing what was happening. 
What happened next was what you would see in some TV sit-com. I counted to three, Albert splattered his red egg all over his face, and I some how managed to elude his grabbing me for the next hour while laughing as hard as I could.
 Albert had reached a transcendental state of gullibility, not to be matched, until my next nefarious scheme.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

The Eternal Quest For Strange, and the Silver Platter

An Oldie, but a goody that's guaranteed to make you think.



There is a lot of hoopla going on about Tiger Woods and his indiscretions. I personally don’t understand what all of this hoopla is about. Face it, Tiger Woods is a rock star; he is rich, handsome, and popular. Tiger is in the enviable position of being able to have any woman he wants…enviable to the average guy anyway.
All guys (or at least 99% of them) are on the eternal quest for strange; and ALL guys are susceptible to being offered strange on a silver platter. Considering Tiger’s position he has been rather tame. I know his wife is hurt, but she should talk to the ex-wives of Mick Jagger, and other rock stars; they would be glad to tell her that it all comes with the territory.
Unlike women, men are not used to having members of the opposite sex offer themselves up to them on a silver platter. When a guy has achieved enough money, fame, and looks, that gorgeous women willing throw themselves at him, he is literally like a kid in a candy store. “I’ll have one of these, and two of these at the same time…” you get the point. It takes either a very strong man, or one who is very happy at home to resist this temptation; and few of us are either one.
To all of you ladies out there that has a mate: if you are not making sure he is very happy in the bedroom; you are a fool. Every dog has his day, and one day some woman will offer what he wants on that proverbial silver platter. You can take care of him now, or swear and call him names later when he cheats, or dumps you for another woman.
To all of you guys neglecting your mates: you are even bigger fools. If your wife is not happy all she has to do is go to some bar and offer it to some guy on a silver platter; it won’t take long before she finds a taker. You can pay attention to her now, or pay (literally) later.
Let’s face it, most of us are weak in the face of temptation. To be strong we need to be smart enough to stay away from places where temptation lurks, and we need to maintain a loving, caring relationship with our mates.


Saturday, March 21, 2015

Maintaining an Attitude of Gratitude

There are many people today that are interested in opening their heart center, also known as the heart chakra. The reason they want to open this chakra is to experience divine love, and the bliss associated with it.
There are also many people that are looking to develop a closeness with God that they never experienced before. The best way to accomplish both of these is by learning to give love, to the Divine, and to all of It's children.
The easiest way to give this love is to learn how to return the abundant love we have showered upon us each day by God. This is accomplished by keeping an attitude of gratitude. Nothing induces the giving of love as much as being thankful for the love, and blessings you receive.
For many of us it is easy to find things to be grateful for in our lives; abundant food, a house, a loving spouse, children, and a job are to name a few. Some of us are going through tough times and it may not be as easy to find things to be thankful for, but when you think of it, no matter how rough the stretch of karma you are working through, there are still plenty of things to be grateful for.
Material things are great, but the most important thing we all have to be thankful for is the gift of life. Each and every one of us exists because of God's love for us. I am not talking about this particular physical life you are now living, but the everlasting life we are all assured of by being the Children of God. We are all the Son's and Daughter's of God because we all have been given the Divine spark of consciousness from that part of God we call The Holy Spirit.
There are many names for this part of God; The Holy Ghost, The Bani, The Eck, The Word, The Holy Spirit, and many others. It does not matter what name your particular religion calls It, only that you realize that you are part of It, and that It enlivens you and all life.
Physical bodies will change from lifetime to lifetime as we grow and mature as spiritual beings, but our true self is unchanging and eternal.
By spending a few minutes each day giving thanks to God for the gift of life, and all the blessings and experiences that come with it, you will gradually open your heart chakra to receive, and realize Divine love. You will also develop an attitude of gratitude that will permeate your entire being and help you find the closeness with God that we all are looking for.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Not Fragile

When I was a little boy I wanted to grow up to be big, strong, and tough. Back in the sixties I had a lot of role models to fashion myself after. There was Jim Brown, Dick Butkus, Ray Nitschke, and Jim Otto. These guys were the epitome of strong tough guys. I wanted to grow up to be like one of them.
Quite a few of these tough guys would flex their biceps when they were on camera. This was true for all of the body builders, and professional wrestlers of the day. I equated “toughness” with the size of one’s biceps.
I remember flexing my young arms and looking at them only to notice that I didn't have any bulge at all. How was I going to get tough? My friend Rodney and I decided that we needed to start an exercise program. We started doing push-ups, sit-ups, and running. It wasn't too long that we both started to notice a bulge when we made a muscle. Oh Boy! I’m getting tough!
I went to show my dad that I was now “tough”. I went to my dad and I said “Dad, look at me, I'm getting tough!” then I made a muscle for him. My dad said “That’s nice son, but let me tell you a secret; toughness doesn't come from here,” He pointed at his sizable bicep, “but toughness comes from here.” Then he pointed at his head. “It is better to be tough, than strong.”
“But dad, what’s the difference, isn't strength, and toughness the same?” “No son they aren't.” He replied. “What’s the difference then dad?” Son, it’s good to have physical strength, but you need a strong mind, and a strong will in order to apply that strength.” “All of the strength in the world will not help you if you are not mentally tough enough to push yourself when you really need it.”
As I grew up I kept noticing that what he said was true. It wasn't physical strength that made me stand up to, and fight the school bully. When I was a wrestler it wasn't physical strength that made me keep going in the third period when I was dog tired, and it definitely wasn't the size of my biceps that kept me getting up each morning to go to work.
There are many names for toughness. Some people call it perseverance, some call it discipline or persistence. Some people call it devotion, and others call it guts.
I prefer to think of it as being “not fragile”.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Just a Song Before I Go

When I was a kid, I really got into MAD Magazine. Never got into Cracked or the others of that genre, but I really got into MAD. One of my favorite parts of that mag was when they wrote parody songs to popular songs of that time. You would sing their funny lyrics to the tune of that well known song.
Early in my blogging career, I got into a phase where I wrote some songs (that I thought were funny, and really are) but hardly got read.
Well I am going on vacation, and I thought I would use this space to shamelessly, plug some of these songs. I figured that some of you might actually go into withdrawal if you had to go through a whole week without something new.
There is an old saying (I just made it up) “If you haven’t read it yet, it is new to you.
So, for you “mike-aholics” out there, here is your ration for the week. Read “Home Owner’s Plight (I’m Not Handy)” today; read “Big Daddy’s Blues” on Tuesday, read “A Day in the Life (Of Me At 73)” on Friday, and read "I Sing Like a Toad" on Sunday.
I will be home next Monday and the transition will be seamless.
Love you all, thanks for reading me, see you next week. Mike

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Who Is That Man Behind the Curtain?

I am approaching my five year anniversary as a member of blogger. I am happy to say that I feel I have grown not only as a writer, but as a person, due to my association with the blogger family. I do not use the word "family" lightly here. We are an entwined group, of writers, and readers; crafting our skills as writers, while we support each other as readers.
Those of you who have followed me over the last five years know that I might write about anything. I have written many humorous, political, and spiritual hubs. I have also written an e-book "The True Adventures of Wilbur the Pig". The whole book is here on blogger, all 19 chapters of Wilbur's hi jinks.
However, I feel my true calling is to write spiritual hubs to help everyone learn the lessons we need to learn to graduate from this school called the physical world. As someone who grew up a Catholic, I know that many of the things I talk about may seem strange to members of organized religion. I understand and can relate; I myself went through periods of doubt, and misunderstanding as I grew spiritually.. My personal experiences as a young man are documented in the hub"Kreskin's ESP Kit and Beyond". It is my hope that after reading this you will get an understanding of how I arrived where I am writing from, and that you will investigate further yourself.
One thing I have noticed, is that there are many truth seekers out there. Your responses on my spiritual essays are very positive. I thought I might give you a list of books I highly recommend. Not all of them are still in print, but are readily available on line. I would link them all for your easy access, but I am not allowed so many links in one blog post. They are all readily found through google.
1) Journey of Souls by Dr. Michael Newton
2) The Waking Dream by Ray Grasse
3) Conscious Dreaming by Robert Moss
4) 35 Golden Keys To Who You Are, and Why You Are Here by Linda C. Anderson
5) The Spiritual Exercises of Eck by Harold Klemp
6) The Far Country, and The Flute of God by Paul Twitchell
Thank you all for your support, the only thing any writer desires, is to be read. You folks make my dream come true. May the blessings be.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

YouBoob

When I was young, my brothers and I used to watch TV... a lot of TV! My mother would have to kick us out of the house to get us to play. My parents called the TV "the boob tube". I guess their reasoning was, if you watch too much TV, you would grow up to be a boob. Back in the 60's "boob" was a slang term for what is now referred to as a nerd, or better yet, a jerk.
Move the clock ahead forty years and kids are still entranced with the "boob tube". But these kids have taken it one step farther; they are now the boobs on the tube!
YouTube has given everyone a chance to show the world what an jerk they are! And the kids are taking full advantage of it. They love to make themselves look silly! Like the old saying goes, negative attention is better than no attention at all.
I'm not sure I understand it. When I really need to show the world I'm a jerk, I go out and sing karaoke, or I post a blog. At most, though, I am showing myself off to a couple hundred people, not a few million like you can with YouTube.
And appearing is so easy to do. You just need to rig up your cheesy computer camera so it points at you (and not the dirty house and dishes behind you), log on, and create! Video magic for all to see!
Wait a second -- I think I see the light...Yes! I, too, can be a star! My next article will not be appearing on ezines.com. Instead, there will just be a website for you to click on, and then you will be able to see me actually read my next post to you.
Hope I remember to comb my hair. .

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

When I was a young lad, the night time sky was mysterious, and full of wonder. I was taught to always make a wish on the first star appearing in the evening dusk. To this day I remember those days, and I often still do make a wish when I see the first star of the night. Well, perhaps I should say wishes; like everyone else, the older I get, the greedier I get. I thought I might share with you the list of wishes I burdened tonight’s star with.

1) I wish that my car will last at least a year longer than the payments on that car.
2) I wish that I may live long enough to someday retire.
3) I wish that when I do retire, I can afford to do so.
4) I wish that medical benefits for everyone, were a reality, and not a pipe dream.
5) I wish I could run a marathon fast enough to qualify for the Boston Marathon.
6) I wish the Oakland Raiders would win another Super Bowl in my lifetime.
7) I wish Barrack Obama would be impeached.
8) I wish for several cases of George Dickell No. 12 Tennessee Whiskey
9) I wish there was a playoff system to determine the National Champion in college football instead of the B.C.S. system.
10) I wish to win the World Series of Poker, at least once.
11) I wish to be a well read (and well paid), writer of meaningless drivel.
12)
(oh yeah, I almost forgot) I wish there was peace on Earth, and good will towards men.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

- Place Title Here -

An oldie but goodie originally published Nov. 2008 in an alternate universe.

This comes as no big surprise to many people but George W. Bush is a lame duck President. This is no surprise, because over 70% of Americans feel he was a pretty lame President. Personally, I never thought I would ever see a President as bad as Jimmy Carter, but, after living through eight long years with Bush at the helm of our nation, the Carter years seem like a Hawaiian vacation...At a five star hotel, with your own personal hula girls, unlimited mai tais, a personal yacht with scuba gear, and all the roasted pig and poi you can eat. God, I long for those good old days!
With only two months left in office, President Bush has decided to take action...putting his memoirs together.
Seems ole George remembers the huge payday Bill Clinton received for publishing his uncensored biography, and now he wants to cash in. However there's a problem, with the exception of billionaires, and religious zealots, George is universally detested; he can't find a publisher willing to give him the big money that Bill, or, Hillary got. Hell, he can't tell us about getting illicit blow jobs in the Oval Office; or how he inserted cigars into certain orifices of White House pages. Besides being dumber than a box of cotton balls, he is just as dull. So, while George is trying to secure a publisher, I thought I would help him with a title for his book.
1) The Fleecing Of America
2) I Was Only Kidding About WMDs
3) My Eight Years Of Being A F-Stick
4) What, Me Worry?
5) Not All Oil Barons are Assholes
6) The Constitution Is For Sissies
7) Read My Lips
8) How To Turn A Super Power Into A Laughing Stock
9) It Was Good For Me, How About You?
10) Be Glad It Was Me, and Not Chaney

About Me

My Photo

This site is more a column than a blog. I write humorous, spiritual, and political articles. Everything I write is designed to make you think; what you think is up to you.