Saturday, November 28, 2015

An Open Letter To Those Nice Folks At P.E.T.A.

(Ed. note) This is a work of humor, not to be taken literally (especially any mention of cannibalism).

The holidays are here and once again it is time to engage in that old holiday tradition; listening to P.E.T.A. complain about the unethical treatment of turkeys, cows, chickens, pigs, and other edible animals.

I for one, am all for the ethical treatment of animals; however I do like to eat them also (especially with dressing and turkey gravy). This may seem like an ethical dilemma, but trust me it is not. I can rectify this seeming enigma in several ways.

First of all PETA there is such a thing as a FOOD CHAIN. If you can’t find it in your PETA handbook, I am sure you can ask your seventh grade daughter to show it to you in her biology book. Take a good look; are turkeys, cows, and chickens, and pigs anywhere near the top? Of course not! Turkeys, cows, and chickens are just above plants, and dirt in the food chain pecking order. This means that they are on this planet to be eaten. Think about it; if we people were not eating them, some other animal would be. Who would you rather see stave to death; me, or some fox, coyote, or wolf? Knowing you PETA guys I don’t really want to know your response.

Secondly, I read a really good novel recently that contained a really good step by step description of how turkeys are slaughtered. First they are hung upside down which disorientates them, then they shock them to daze them, then they slit their throats. What ever happens next I really don’t think the turkeys care about. But the fact is the turkeys never know what hit them so it is a benevolent way to kill them. I personally believe the turkeys would rather die like this instead of being grabbed by the throat and shaken to asphyxiation by some fox. But really, does it matter? Turkeys have a brain roughly the size of an almond; they barely know seed from gravel. I personally feel you could kill them anyway you want, and they wouldn't know the difference.

Third, if all of us people who enjoyed eating animals suddenly stopped, how would YOU eat? Face it there is only a limited supply of tofu and wheat in this world. Maybe if we got hungry enough we could eat you! We know you tofu lovers are low in fat and probably very tasty. I think you guys should shut up and leave well enough alone while you are ahead and still have plenty of tofu.

Oh, by the way PETA if it will make you feel any better, I want you to know that my Thanksgiving turkey came back to haunt me over my inhumane treatment of him.

I never should have had that turkey salad sandwich right before bed!

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Everybody's Talking

Craig Wilson, of USAToday, wrote in his weekly column "The Final Word", today about the proliferation of cell phones. It was a cute article, and since we are about the same age, and from the same hometown(Rochester,NY), I related well to him. One problem, Craig, you never really talked about the main point. What the hell is everybody talking about?

Now I admit, that I am somewhat older, than the average cell phone user; but I can't imagine that they could find so much to talk about. It is mind numbing. I have 700 minutes, on my cell phone. I never use them all. I think that cell phones are great, they certainly make life a lot easier, but unless you're in sales, most people are just talking too much. Now a days it is a rarity to pass another motortist, and not see them talking or even texting (gasp! I've seen it!) while they are supposedly driving.

MIKE'S LAW: 1) If you have nothing to say, shut up. 2) If you don't know what you are talking about, shut up.

I live by both of those laws, and I wish more people would. It's not just cell phones, there are certainly enough people out there, that don't need them. You know as soon as they walk in the room, because they come in yapping away, and don't stop until they leave. They pontificate about anything and everything as if they wrote the encyclopedia. I recognize that these people just love to hear themselves talk. If you are one of these people, please refer to law #2.

We have one at work. He really isn't a bad guy, but boy does he love to hear himself talk. You know when he's coming in the breakroom, because you can hear him coming down the hall. And boy does he know it all! Like I said, he really isn't a bad guy, but I wish he were, because I really want to hate him.

The way I see it, there's a lot of people talking, but they aren't saying much.

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Santa Redneck Is Coming To Town

Christmas comes early each year to our normally quiet community here in Homestead, Florida. Santa's come by the droves, not in sleighs, but in RVs, and campers, and pick-up trucks. They come here each year to watch the last NASCAR race of the year; the one that decides the NASCAR champion, The Homestead-Miami Ford 400. These Santa's, don't come with a bag of presents, but with pockets full of cash. It is a welcome influx of cash for the hotels, shops, trailer parks, and bars of Homestead, and Florida City.
My wife, who tends a bar in Florida City, looks forward to this big three day party every year. After bar tending here the last five years, she knows that these folks love to drink, party, and lavish her with piles of dough; and there are few things she likes more than making lots of money.
The average NASCAR fan won't win many Nobel Prizes, or even spelling bees in their lifetime; but they remember her little bar, and they even remember her name, so it is like a big reunion for everyone.
These folks may be a little grubby, and their smiles remind you of a gap toothed jack-o-lantern; but they are usually well behaved, and very generous. Just be sure that you have countless cases of ice cold Coors Light, Budweiser, and Jack Daniels, on hand.
With all the drinking going on, it is a wonder to me how they can even find the race track, let alone keep track of how many left turns their favorite driver Billy Bob Kyle has successfully negotiated but, they do. In fact, they really get into the race.
Many of them rent out head sets so they can listen in on the communication going back and forth from the pit crew chief, and the driver. Crackle, static "hey, that was a real impressive left turn yew made back there, Jimmy Joe Don, now be careful, 'cus yew got another one coming up right quick" Crackle, pop "yeah Benny Earl Ray, the car's running real smooth right now, hold on, gotta another one of them left turns coming up."
Sheer excitement!
I'm not really big on NASCAR racing; just five minutes of watching these guys going around in circles puts me in a trance. But, as long as they keep coming down here every year with pockets full of cash, we'll be glad to welcome them here.
"Hey, Kenny Jeb Kirk, how the hell are yew?  Its good to see yew agin!  Did yew bring your sister?"

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Don't Think Twice, That's Alright

There's an old saying, "If you don't use it, you lose it". If that's true, the average American brain must be in a state of atrophy. Most of us are seldom called upon to use our cerebral cortex anymore. Network TV shows, commercials, our schools, our jobs, etc. have all been "dumbed down" to the point where mental acuity is no longer necessary. No one even performs simple math anymore without the use of a calculator. Think about it, when was the last time you performed multiplication, or division on a piece of paper without a calculator?
I admit, I am as guilty as the next person; I like modern conveniences. My posts would not be the same if I did not have a spell checker to fall back on. The point I'm trying to make is that, we are now conditioned not to think, because we aren't often called upon to do so. The problem with this conditioning, is that society is quickly becoming a herd mentality. Reasoning, and creativity, are becoming things of the past. That's a big problem if mankind is to grow and prosper.
Part of this problem, is everyone's need to be entertained all the time. Whether its an i-pod, TV, computer, or cell phone, everyone is preoccupied with something. Seldom do people read in order to learn something. Novels are very popular, but, nonfiction, history, and science books seldom make the NY Times best seller lists.
I am all for entertainment; we all need to relax and get away once in a while. However, just like you need to exercise your body to keep it in proper working order; you also should have a mental exercise regimen. I like to do the NY Times crossword to keep sharp. I also will mix in informational reading, along with my favorite fiction writers.
Our children need to be taught to balance video games, and TV, with school work, and informational reading. Getting them in the habit of reading the newspaper everyday is a good start. Teach them, "if you don't use it, you lose it".

Sunday, November 15, 2015

The Reverse Midas Touch

Ever have one of those days, when everything you touch turns to shit? How about one of those weeks? Well lately I have been rolling nothing but snake eyes. I need to get my astrologer buddy Mason Garrett to check out my chart, because I have obviously pissed off one of the planets. Probably that asshole Mars, I never liked red anyway.
I know this may seem a little off character for me; talking about spirituality and all lately, but I need a release, a place to vent. What better place to get things off my chest than here, with my blogger friends? I am after all still human.
Lately it seems I have stepped on every crack in the sidewalk, my best intentions have done nothing but bite me in the ass. Hell, even my own dog growled at me this morning! No matter what I do, its not good enough, and its done a day too late. I truly cannot do anything right and I'm left wondering why.
And to think, I had every intention, of writing a perfectly good post tonight about perseverance. You know, about keeping a stiff upper lip (pip pip and all) during tough times, and keeping a never say die attitude. Saying banal platitudes like "winners never quit, and quitters never win". Well screw that! I got to tell you, I am pretty fed up with it all. I probably should call the suicide hotline, but with my luck I would get a busy signal. Right now I don't feel like a doormat, I feel like an ant beneath the doormat.
Since I don't own any guns, I guess I'll just go to bed. Who knows, maybe the sun won't come up tomorrow. AAh, no chance I'll get that lucky, guess I'll have to go to work.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Just Musing

  1. The most beautiful sunsets, occur after the ugliest of storms.
  2. Your best friends, are your longest friends.
  3. Life doesn't suck after 50.
  4. Sometimes you gotta admit, you got just what you deserve.
  5. You know you have to work on being patient when you run into too many red lights.
  6. Being humble is not the same as being a coward.
  7. To quote Dirty Harry:" A man has to know his limits."
  8. I try not to treat women like an amusement park ride, but I meet a lot I'd like to take a whirl with.
  9. Getting up at 3:15 in the morning, to get ready for work really bites.
  10. I'm not a philosopher, but I am a free thinker.
  11. Fight governmental micro-chipping, and mandatory vaccines.
  12. Love yourself, respect yourself, do the same to others.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Working For God

Many people don’t realize this, but God needs us as much as we need God. Here in the physical world the only way that God can affect what goes on is through the human state of consciousness. In other words, God needs co-workers to help it accomplish It’s (since God is neither male, nor female, it is more apt to call God It) will in this world. This may sound ludicrous to those of us who have been taught that God is almighty, and can do what ever It wants; but none the less it is the truth.
That is why it is so important for anyone that wishes to serve God to openly declare his intention. Your state of consciousness is your realm, and NO ONE can interfere with it unless you give them permission. By declaring yourself to be a vehicle for God to work through, you give the Creator permission to do It’s work through you. By starting each day by stating “I declare myself to be a vehicle for God, and the Holy Spirit.” you open yourself up to be a co-worker for God. As a co-worker for God you will notice yourself being placed in certain situations where you are needed, and you will notice how God manifests It’s love through you.
Here is an example of how I was used one day. I am a runner, and I like to run five miles almost every day. I normally would put my five miles in during my lunch hour at work, and shower in the locker room before going back to work. One day it was a rainy cold summer day. I did not run at work that day because of the rain. I got home early that afternoon because there was no overtime that day. The rain had let up to just a fine mist and fog, so I decided to go for a run. My run went between two parks that were separated by a high pedestrian bridge over the river. Due to the cool weather I was running the course in a record time, and I knew as I made my turn at the half way point that I would run a record time.
As I made my way back across the bridge I noticed a pair of woman’s shoes on the road. Thinking that that was kind of odd I looked around; there on the other side of a seven foot fence stood a middle aged lady getting ready to jump. I quickly forgot about my record time and skidded to a stop. " Excuse me, you're not thinking of jumping off are you?" I asked her. When she admitted to me that she did indeed plan on jumping, I quickly reached through the bars and wrapped my arms around her. For the next twenty minutes I held on to her as I talked to her. One of the things she said to me was “I asked God to send someone to help me if he didn’t want me to jump. I was just about to jump when you showed up.” I told her “I work for God, that’s why I’m here, now please climb back over the fence to safety and we can talk.” After several harrowing minutes, and what seemed like a lifetime, She did climb back over the fence. We spent an hour or so talking. After talking she decided that she really did not want to end her life, and she went home.
I realized that the whole situation of the rain at work, and the nudge I had to run when I got home, came about just so I would be in position to help that lady out when she needed it most. I was glad, and thankful to know that was being used by God.
If you decide you want to be a co-worker for God, start every day by declaring your intention. You will be used to help others, and to manifest God’s love and will. Sometimes it will be dramatic like the experience I just related, sometimes it will just be giving a smile when it is needed by someone. But, rest assured you will be used by God for everyone’s benefit.

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Ain't That Peculiar

Its kind of funny how life is now a days. One day you are told one thing, then the next day, they tell you something different. Who they are I'm not quite sure, but whoever they are, they can't seem to be able to make up their minds.
I remember when I was young, growing up a Catholic, the nuns told us that it was a mortal sin to eat meat on Friday. This meant that if you deliberately ate meat on a Friday, and knew that it was a mortal sin, and did not confess that sin to the nice priest, (who then had you say fifty "Hail Marys", twenty "Our Fathers", and fifteen "Act of Contritions",) and died; you would spend all of eternity being one of Satan's minions.
Then around 1971, the Church did an about face on the eating meat on Friday thing; now it was no longer a sin to eat meat on a Friday. I always wondered about the poor souls burning in hell for eating a lousy baloney sandwich on a Friday. Did St. Peter take the elevator down to hell, and proclaim, "Hey, all you guys down here on the eating meat on Friday rap, come on up!" The nuns I questioned about this denied that they ever said it was a mortal sin to eat meat on a Friday. Hmmmmmm.
Last October, gasoline was averaging $4.00/gal. We were being told that oil, being a fossil fuel, was limited in supply; and that the cost to explore, drill, import, etc. etc. was the reason for the ever increasing prices. Then the shit hit the fan with the economy; people couldn't afford to pay exorbitant prices for gas. The oil companies weren't selling enough gas to keep their profit margins up. Now gasoline is averaging $2.10/gal! Maybe oil wasn't so scarce after all. Hmmmmmm.
Maybe I am too skeptical, but it seems to me that we are being told whatever lie is convenient, to persuade us to do what they want. Want to talk about the bailout for the banks? Hmmmmm. How about the erosion of personal freedoms to keep America safe? Hmmmmm. It seems to me, that the next time they tell us the truth about anything, it will be the first time.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Stupid Things

I am dangerous with a knife in my hands. My fingers and other digits cringe in fear whenever I decide I need to cut or slice something. Sometimes, I forget which side of the blade I need to cut with, and which side I need to push down on. Other times I forget to get my fingers out of the way when I close the knife; and other times I just forget that I have a knife in my hand. Fortunately my propensity for doing stupid things with a knife is off set by my ability to heal quickly.
I also do other stupid things, such as lock my keys in the car, leave my head lights on, (thank God for that little buzzer), leave the stove on, lean back on kitchen chairs, and run on wet tile floors. I have down loaded programs that aren't compatible with my version of windows, left my cell phone in my shirt pocket, then bent over to flush the toilet, and lit my back yard gas grill with a match when the gas was on high. My miraculous healing abilities, high endurance of pain, hard head, quick growing eye brows, and the Triple A have helped me recover from some of these.
I have been known to run my mouth without engaging my brain, walk into objects that are in plain sight, light my nose on fire instead of my cigar (I have a big nose), walk into opposing stadiums wearing Oakland Raider's clothes, throw my white clothes in with the colored laundry (I went through college wearing pink underwear), wear sneakers to a dance on a gym floor, and hammer my thumb instead of the nail.
I have done other stupid things like told my wife she looks fat in that dress, microwaved a TV dinner in an aluminum foil tray, tried to rewire a switch without turning off the breaker, bathe my cat, change a light bulb without someone holding the ladder, and forget to put oil in my lawn mower.
We all do stupid things; after all we are only human. I think the only really stupid thing is to do them a second or third time. With the exception of wearing Oakland Raider's gear to opposing stadiums, I do my best to learn from my mistakes.
My guardian angel is busy enough with the mistakes I make the first time around.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Thank God For Teenagers

Up in the sky, its a bird, its a plane...No! Its your friendly neighborhood teenager!
Modern day superheroes don't wear tights and a cape, and they don't have a mask. They can't fly, and they don't have super strength. They just show up in tee shirts, and oversized baggy jeans, to save the day.
I am a middle aged guy, and at this point in my life you would think that I would be self sufficient; but nothing could be further from the truth. When the TV is stuck on Video2, and it appears that I will be watching a plain blue screen forever, I call my stepson to figure out the remote. When I install a disc not compatible with my Windows 7, and totally mess up my computer, I send up the bat signal for my step son's friend to bail my ass out.
The more and more life changes, the more I realize that teenagers are indispensable.
I am not a moron, (I don't think so anyway), but the modern world left me behind not long after the invention of "Pong" in the early 80's. Back in 1990 I needed my five year old son to teach me how to play "Mario Brothers"! I am not what you would call technologically inclined.
Now, the only kid I have left is my step son, if he gets married and moves away, what will I do?
I don't believe I can buy a teenager over the internet, and if I lure them over with candy, people will think that I am a pedophile. I think I'm going to have to connive a way to keep my step son from moving least until I get some grand kids.

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This site is more a column than a blog. I write humorous, spiritual, and political articles. Everything I write is designed to make you think; what you think is up to you.