Saturday, December 9, 2017

Habla Ingles?

Hi, I am an American, I love being an American. All my life, I have been surrounded by people who spoke American. Of course I mean the Queen's English, but hell, it’s always been American to me. Now, I live and work around Miami, unfortunately, nobody told most of the residents, that this is indeed, America. Almost everybody speaks Spanish! And I mean ALMOST everybody.

There is a small pocket of us "gringos" to try and keep a small semblance of American life.

Our house is the black sheep of our neighborhood. My neighbors are disappointed in just about everything about us, from the color of our house (yellow), the football we cheer for (real football, not soccer), and the old rock and roll I play a little too loud once in a while.

Oh, yeah, did I fail to mention that we speak English?

Actually, my neighbors, are pretty cool, even if we are different, and they do put up with things like my step son's broken down truck (that he swears he's going to put on the road) sitting in my front yard for six months.

Like I said, we're trying to promote the American way.

Well, my wife has had enough of it. Since she can't go up north (easily), she found herself a job bar-tending at this little old red neck bar. It’s very nice, and very white, and everybody does speak English...for now. She said to me "Everybody knows that they have to speak English if they want any service. I don't take any orders in Spanish."

 Right! Until a Latino buys the place, then she'll be asking every person that walks in the place
"Habla Ingles?"

Saturday, December 2, 2017

The Dance Of Life

Life is nothing more than one large Arthur Murray Dance School. From the moment we take our first steps as toddlers, we go through life learning new and different steps. The music we dance to is the rhythm of life. With every new situation, relationship, and employer, we have to learn new steps to be successful.
As kindergartners and throughout elementary school we learn the basic steps of how to get along with others, and how to play well with others. As we enter high school we get into more complicated relationships; boyfriends, girlfriends, dating, the steps we learn change and become more complex. We learn that in a relationship sometimes you call the tune, and sometimes the other person will call the tune you both dance to.
As young adults we learn that our employers, and bosses will be calling the tune, and teach us the steps we have to dance to. As we grow and move up the corporate ladder, we learn that we have to follow the tune of our bosses, while calling the tune for our underlings. The dance becomes more complex.
In marriage we often find that the steps that were once so exciting have become routine and boring. To keep a marriage alive and vibrant you have to incorporate new steps from time to time to stay interested, or in time we will find new partners to dance with.
There is an old saying that people hate change, that is true, but they really hate dull and routine even more. Life is all about growth and change, and we reflect that in our dance.
Today life is changing at a pace never seen before by man. Everyday it seems that we have to learn new steps in order to survive. Life is certainly more difficult, but it is definitely not boring.
As for me, I’m dancing as fast as I can.

Saturday, November 25, 2017

An Open Letter To Those Nice Folks At P.E.T.A.

(Ed. note) This is a work of humor, not to be taken literally (especially any mention of cannibalism).

The holidays are here and once again it is time to engage in that old holiday tradition; listening to P.E.T.A. complain about the unethical treatment of turkeys, cows, chickens, pigs, and other edible animals.
I for one, am all for the ethical treatment of animals; however I do like to eat them also (especially with dressing and turkey gravy). This may seem like an ethical dilemma, but trust me it is not. I can rectify this seeming enigma in several ways.
First of all PETA there is such a thing as a FOOD CHAIN. If you can’t find it in your PETA handbook, I am sure you can ask your seventh grade daughter to show it to you in her biology book. Take a good look; are turkeys, cows, and chickens, and pigs anywhere near the top? Of course not! Turkeys, cows, and chickens are just above plants, and dirt in the food chain pecking order. This means that they are on this planet to be eaten. Think about it; if we people were not eating them, some other animal would be. Who would you rather see stave to death; me, or some fox, coyote, or wolf? Knowing you PETA guys I don’t really want to know your response.
Secondly, I read a really good novel recently that contained a really good step by step description of how turkeys are slaughtered. First they are hung upside down which disorientates them, then they shock them to daze them, then they slit their throats. What ever happens next I really don’t think the turkeys care about. But the fact is the turkeys never know what hit them so it is a benevolent way to kill them. I personally believe the turkeys would rather die like this instead of being grabbed by the throat and shaken to asphyxiation by some fox. But really, does it matter? Turkeys have a brain roughly the size of an almond; they barely know seed from gravel. I personally feel you could kill them anyway you want, and they wouldn't know the difference.
Third, if all of us people who enjoyed eating animals suddenly stopped, how would YOU eat? Face it there is only a limited supply of tofu and wheat in this world. Maybe if we got hungry enough we could eat you! We know you tofu lovers are low in fat and probably very tasty. I think you guys should shut up and leave well enough alone while you are ahead and still have plenty of tofu.
Oh, by the way PETA if it will make you feel any better, I want you to know that my Thanksgiving turkey came back to haunt me over my inhumane treatment of him.
I never should have had that turkey salad sandwich right before bed!

Saturday, November 18, 2017

Pop! What a Happy Sound

Its Friday, TGIF and all. Throughout this great country of ours, one sound reverberates around it. POP! That's the sound of a beer bottle or can being opened.
Let's face it, we Americans like to drink. Come to think of it , so does everybody else! Let's see, I know the Irish do, the Germans, the Russians, The Brits, etc. Drinking is the one universal thing we can all agree about(unless you are a real devout person). We like to do it. I've already freely admitted to you that I do. Hell, I took up running 18 years ago(but, now I shuffle), just so I could drink the beer I wanted without weighing 300 lbs.
Why is alcohol so popular? well, for one thing it tastes great. Nothing like a good cold one after work, after mowing the lawn, after sex, after the last one. There's nothing like a good cold one after your last beer. That is the problem, beer liking is accumulative. After a while, any excuse is a good excuse to have a beer.
So God in his infinite wisdom, gave us a reason to not drink...work. Let's face it, if we were all rich and affluent, and didn't have to work, we would all be drunk all the time! Since God invented work, most of us have to be semi moderate about our consumption during the work week. The people who haven't learned to be moderate, are the ones we walk around on the sidewalks on the way to work.
Liking something is one thing, being controlled by it is another. The problem with ALL drugs, is the temptation to do them exclusively, and to hell with everything else. Not real good if you have a wife, and kids counting on you.
When I was a teenager, my Dad told me (over a hang-over), If you can't handle your booze, don't drink it! Good words to live by. Yes, its Friday, you probably had a killer of a week; have fun, but know when to say when.
(wow, that was one difficult post, now where did I leave that bottle opener?)

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

Santa Redneck Is Coming To Town

Christmas comes early each year to our normally quiet community here in Homestead, Florida. Santas come by the droves, not in sleighs, but in RVs, and campers, and pick-up trucks. They come here each year to watch the last NASCAR race of the year; the one that decides the NASCAR champion, The Homestead-Miami Ford 400. These Santas, don't come with a bag of presents, but with pockets full of cash. It is a welcome influx of cash for the hotels, shops, trailer parks, and bars of Homestead, and Florida City.
My wife, who tends a bar in Florida City, looks forward to this big three day party every year. After bartending here the last five years, she knows that these folks love to drink, party, and lavish her with piles of dough; and there are few things she likes more than making lots of money.
The average NASCAR fan won't win many Nobel Prizes, or even spelling bees in their lifetime; but they remember her little bar, and they even remember her name, so it is like a big reunion for everyone. These folks may be a little grubby, and their smiles remind you of a gap toothed jack-o-lantern; but they are usually well behaved, and very generous. Just be sure that you have countless cases of ice cold Coors Light, Budweiser, and Jack Daniels, on hand.
With all the drinking going on, it is a wonder to me how they can even find the race track, let alone keep track of how many left turns their favorite driver Billy Bob Kyle has successfully negotiated but, they do. In fact, they really get into the race. Many of them rent out head sets so they can listen in on the communication going back and forth from the pit crew chief, and the driver. Crackle, static "hey, that was a real impressive left turn yew made back there, Jimmy Joe Don, now be careful, 'cus yew got another one coming up right quick" Crackle, pop "yeah Benny Earl Ray, the car's running real smooth right now, hold on, gotta another one of them left turns coming up." Sheer excitement!
I'm not really big on NASCAR racing; just five minutes of watching these guys going around in circles puts me in a trance. But, as long as they keep coming down here every year with pockets full of cash, we'll be glad to welcome them here. "Hey, Kenny Jeb Kirk, how the hell are yew? Its good to see yew agin! Did yew bring your sister?"

Saturday, November 11, 2017

Step Your Game Up!

In the world of team sports we have all seen times when our favorite team or player just isn’t playing up to par. Every player goes through slumps from time to time. When players are struggling they often have teammates to try and pick them up. “You can do it man!” “Come on bro step your game up!” They know that their teammate is having problems, and they are there to give him their support.
In the game of life we all go through our down times. You feel off kilter, nothing seems to be going right, and your attitude has gone south. Sometimes you might be fortunate enough to have a family member or a co-worker notice and help pick you up. Most times it is up to our self to take notice and to pick our self up.
This is done through introspection. Introspection is the ability to honestly evaluate yourself. Sounds easy, but is it really? There are many people that have problems being honest with themselves. Every thing that happens is always someone else’s fault, and never their fault. Everyone knows someone like that, and we are all guilty of it from time to time. Things aren’t going right; you blame the circumstances, other people, and any other excuse you can think of instead of saying I just didn’t perform as well as I could have.
Most well adjusted folks, and the ones that are most likely to learn from their mistakes, are the ones that are able to honestly evaluate them selves from time to time. Introspection will tell you when you need an attitude adjustment, when you need to try harder, when you need to be nicer to others, and when you need to step your game up.
Things happen and many times they are out of our control; but many times they are in our control and we need to recognize this. Nobody likes to get lame excuses from others, and we should not settle for them from ourselves. When you get caught up in a bad attitude, or a slump, you need to be able to give yourself a good kick in the pants and tell yourself, “I gotta step my game up!”
Your teammates in the game of life will notice.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Fear Is Spiritual Poison

Many people today are living in a constant state of fear. They are afraid of going to hell, they are afraid of terrorist attacks, they are afraid of governmental control, they are afraid of the economy, they are afraid of the price of oil, etc. Very few people realize that we are, and always have been conditioned to be fearful. The major news networks are nothing more than government run fear mongers, and it is impossible to watch them without becoming fearful, or depressed. Your major religions are always telling you that you will burn in hell for all eternity if you don't follow their dictates. The average person's anxiety level is maxed to the limit.
There is a reason for this. Governments, and religions have always acted hand in hand to keep the population under control. There is no easier way to control people than to keep them living in fear.
Fear is spiritual poison. Fear closes down the natural pathways between man and the divine within. With these pathways closed down man is nothing more than an animal, instead of the spiritual being he truly is. There is a reason religions liken their followers to sheep; they want you to merely follow along and contribute to them, not to grow spiritually, or to be different.
If you truly want to grow spiritually, and if you truly want to be free, you need to escape the bonds of fear. Life is to be lived, and experienced; this cannot not be done while living in fear.
As long as you feel you have something to lose; your life, your house, your soul, etc. you will be subject to fear. Realize you have nothing to lose, and fear loses it's grasp.
Then you can reconnect with the divine and realize you have everything.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

I Am Man Hear Me Whine

Back in the early '70's, Helen Reddy had a hit song called, "I Am Woman", in which she starts out, "I am woman, hear me roar", which I thought was hokey, and all. I still do. But now that I am older, I realize that she was right. Women do all the roaring, while us guys do all the whining.
I should know. I am a man.
Why do men whine? I don't know, but I believe it has something to do with the male DNA. I remember when I was nine, and my mom wouldn't let me go over to Doug's house because his parents both worked, and we may get into trouble. I'd say, "Come on, Mom, I'll be good!"
It didn't work.
When I was fourteen, I asked my dad if I could go to Woodstock. After a few seconds of contemplation he said, "No, you're too young." I responded, "Dad, I'm almost fifteen. Please let me go!" Unfortunately, it still didn't work.
Almost forty years later, I still whine when I don't get my way -- and it still doesn't work. You would think that I would adjust, change my game plan, so to speak. But no, I'm not that smart. You see, I am married. You ladies can laugh (which I know you are), but how else can a guy get his needs met?
"Honey, I have no clean shirts for work tomorrow." "Why didn't anyone make coffee this morning?" "C'mon, honey, it's Monday night!" "I have no cookies for bedtime!" "Your Lifetime Movie channel is turned up too loud!" ...
If whining were an art form, I'd be Picasso.
The truth is, I whine because it does work (once in awhile). She'll do almost anything to get me to shut up.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

The Price of Being Nice

I don't really care for commercials. I normally fast forward through them if I'm watching on TIVO. But there is one set of commercials I will watch.
Ever see the ads for Liberty Mutual where one person does a good deed, and is seen by someone else? Who then does something nice for someone else, which is witnessed by a different person? This cycle is repeated until someone does something nice to the original good-doer, completing a circle of good deeds.
Now, most commercials insult my intelligence, but this one is actually teaching us a lesson with value. I tell my son (who is a bit of a grouch), "it doesn't cost anything to be nice to someone".
It's true. Most of the time you will not even have to go out of your way to be nice to someone. If you pay attention, you will notice numerous times in the course of a day, where you can. However, most people are too wrapped up in themselves to notice other people. Everyone today is either talking on a cell phone, or listening to their i-pods; off in their own little worlds. But even these space cadets notice when you do something nice for them.
You should see the looks I get from some people, by just holding a door for them, and saying, "good morning"! They are shocked, but they like it. Let's face it, everyone likes to be treated with respect, like a person, not just another face. And it doesn't cost a thing to lift someone's day.
Let's all try to create a circle of good deeds everyday.

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Bad Intentions

I love American football. I also love Australian rules football, but that's another subject. Today I want to tell you why I love football(American style).
I played when I was younger,and there is no adrenaline rush quite like football. Running around, causing mayhem on defense, giving out punishing blows when on offense, and otherwise throwing your body around for the sake of the team.
My dad taught me young,"play with bad intentions, football is no place for nice guys". And that is what's so cool about football, there are two teams, each with eleven guys, who are trying to knock the snot out of each other.
Sure there are rules that prohibit some actions, but believe me, you can really do some punishing within the rules. Since everyone is trying to lambaste someone else, sooner or later you will end up the lambastee. Not as much fun as being the lambaster. But that's football and that's why its so great; each guy knows he will either be the punisher, or get punished, each snap of the ball.
This is not for sissies, or soccer players. It takes wackos to play football. No truly sane individuals will do this to themselves. But, if you are just wacky enough, there is nothing like it.
Now a days, I am an old fart who coaches pro and college games from an easy chair on the porch. Well, I act like I'm coaching; yelling out instructions to my team on every snap. I am so intense that I have to keep a six pack in my frig. just so I don't lose my voice. I have to learn to lighten up.
This weekend, the Oakland Raiders lost (again).
Right now I have some very bad intentions for my TV.

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This site is more a column than a blog. I write humorous, spiritual, and political articles. Everything I write is designed to make you think; what you think is up to you.