Bail Me Out...Please!

Will wonders never cease? It’s true, strange things happen every day. Reports today stated that the government has speculated that Bank of America would need to receive another 34 billion dollars in order to survive the economic uncertainties of the next few months. However Bank of America has stated that they are solid, and that they had a very good first quarter of this year. They are saying that they really don’t think they need any more bail out money.

My guess is that they saw the scrutiny that AIG went through after they received their last bail out, and don’t want any part of that and the death threats that all of their management people received after they decided to give that money out as bonuses. They simply don’t have the gumption, and I guess they really don’t need the money that badly.

I, on the other hand do have the gumption, and will be glad to under go the scrutiny involved. As long as the government is in a giving mood, I would like them to give me the money. Unlike AIG I would spend the money wisely. Here is how my press conference would go six months after I got my bail out.

“Sir, there are reports that after you received one billion dollars of the people’s money, that you have gone on a reckless spending spree, wasting much of the hard earned money of the American People.” “Nonsense” I would reply, “Let me account for my spending.” “After receiving the money I realized that in order for me to a fully actualized, healthy person I would need to be able to exercise regularly, so I ordered a full size basketball court, and an Olympic sized swimming pool to be installed. I also decided that to be fully actualized, I would need to be able to entertain guests in my home, so I ordered a walk in humidor filled with various Cuban, Dominican, and Honduran cigars, a walk in refrigerator filled with beers from around the world, and several cases of George Dickel No. 12 Tennessee whiskey, Crown Royal, and Dom Perrignon. However when the construction people arrived they told me I didn’t have the space to do all of this, so I bought all of the houses on my block and had them torn down so I could have a four story 145 room mansion built. Of course I couldn’t possibly live in a house with 145 empty rooms, so I installed HDTV’s, and exotic furnishings from around the world in all of them. My Ford Escape has been running a little rough lately, and that has caused my anxiety level, and my blood pressure to rise to dangerous levels. Since my health is very important to me, I had the Escape towed away, and I replaced it with a Ferrari, Porsche Spider, Rolls Royce, and a Bentley. My reasoning was that if one of them should have problems, I would have the others to fall back on, thereby reducing the stress in my life. As you can see I spent the people’s money very wisely. Oh, by the way, I also installed a 12 ft. electric fence, security system, and bullet-proof windows. Any other questions?”