An Open Letter To Those Nice Folks At P.E.T.A.

(Ed. note) This is a work of humor, not to be taken literally (especially any mention of cannibalism).

The holidays are here and once again it is time to engage in that old holiday tradition; listening to P.E.T.A. complain about the unethical treatment of turkeys, cows, chickens, pigs, and other edible animals.

I for one, am all for the ethical treatment of animals; however I do like to eat them also (especially with dressing and turkey gravy). This may seem like an ethical dilemma, but trust me it is not. I can rectify this seeming enigma in several ways.

First of all PETA there is such a thing as a FOOD CHAIN. If you can’t find it in your PETA handbook, I am sure you can ask your seventh grade daughter to show it to you in her biology book. Take a good look; are turkeys, cows, and chickens, and pigs anywhere near the top? Of course not! Turkeys, cows, and chickens are just above plants, and dirt in the food chain pecking order. This means that they are on this planet to be eaten. Think about it; if we people were not eating them, some other animal would be. Who would you rather see stave to death; me, or some fox, coyote, or wolf? Knowing you PETA guys I don’t really want to know your response.

Secondly, I read a really good novel recently that contained a really good step by step description of how turkeys are slaughtered. First they are hung upside down which disorientates them, then they shock them to daze them, then they slit their throats. What ever happens next I really don’t think the turkeys care about. But the fact is the turkeys never know what hit them so it is a benevolent way to kill them. I personally believe the turkeys would rather die like this instead of being grabbed by the throat and shaken to asphyxiation by some fox. But really, does it matter? Turkeys have a brain roughly the size of an almond; they barely know seed from gravel. I personally feel you could kill them anyway you want, and they wouldn't know the difference.

Third, if all of us people who enjoyed eating animals suddenly stopped, how would YOU eat? Face it there is only a limited supply of tofu and wheat in this world. Maybe if we got hungry enough we could eat you! We know you tofu lovers are low in fat and probably very tasty. I think you guys should shut up and leave well enough alone while you are ahead and still have plenty of tofu.

Oh, by the way PETA if it will make you feel any better, I want you to know that my Thanksgiving turkey came back to haunt me over my inhumane treatment of him.

I never should have had that turkey salad sandwich right before bed!