Negotiating Love

Love when you are young is a special thing. There is lots of exploring, and lots of passion. Love is exciting, and it is spontaneous. You have hooked up with the most lovely girl in the universe, and she lives just to please you.

Then, you do something stupid; you marry her.

Sure, the first couple of years there are still some steamy nights, but after seven years, and a couple of kids, things tend to change. You find your wife is no longer frothing at the mouth to get mounted by you. This is when you realize you will spend the rest of your life negotiating for love.

My brother has been negotiating for love many years now. His best tactic is to tell his wife that if she doesn't want him to get prostrate cancer, she has to let him keep the workings workable...if you know what I mean.

My brother's method works because he has a wife that gives a rat's ass about him. Very rare. Most of us married guys have to negotiate much harder for their love. Here is an example.

"Come on honey, it's been three weeks." "I haven't felt well. You only think about yourself." "That's not true honey, I brought you home some Chicken McNuggets yesterday." "Yeah, but they were cold." "Come on honey, you know I love you, and will always take care of you." If you did you would show it." "Name it honey, you've got it!" "Well, a trip to Olive Garden might get me in the mood." "Ok, ok Olive Garden it is, but you promise when we get home...." "Well there is one more thing..." "What is it my goddess?" "Clean out the cat box, and take out the trash."

As Rodney Dangerfield would say, "It's not easy being married!"

Translating Woman's Speak

There have been many books written throughout the years about the differences between men and women. They all extol their reasons for the apparent differences between the sexes. Men are from this planet, while women come from another; women are emotional in nature, while men are rooted in the mental realm etc.

As a guy who has been studying the female of the species for over thirty years, I have found the major difference between the sexes. Women speak a different language than men. It sounds simple but that is the major difference between the sexes.

For the male readers out there who have not mastered “woman speak” I will list a number of woman speak phrases, and then translate them for you. It is my hope that I may be able to spare many of my fellow guys any more angst than they have already been through.

1) “I like love handles on a guy. It gives me something to hold on to.”

Translation: I would love you to have the abs, and butt of Brad Pitt, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings about being fat.

2) “You’re kind of cute”

Translation: I have my beer goggles on, I haven’t had a man in six months, it’s getting late, and I’m actually considering you.

3) “I have a headache”

Translation: It is always about YOU. Where were you last Friday when I was in the mood and you got too drunk to perform!

4) “Sorry I didn’t get you a birthday card, but I am not a card person”

Translation: I am not into giving cards, however you better remember to give me a card on every special holiday, event, and Valentines Day; or I will rag on you for two weeks after the missed event, and for two weeks prior to next year’s.

5) “Do I look fat in this?”

Translation: I want you to tell me how thin, and sexy I still am.

6) “She has fake boobs!”

Translation: Why are you looking at her?!

7) “I normally don’t do this”

Translation: You are going to get lucky tonight.

8) “If you touch that air conditioner, I will kill you!”

Translation: I am having a hot flash, and I will kill you if you turn down the air conditioner.

9) “I don’t feel like sex tonight”

Translation: I want you to take me to dinner, a movie, and out for a couple of drinks; maybe I’ll change my mind.

10) “I think I am a very level headed woman”

Translation: I am crazier than a shit house rat, and I make Amy Winehouse look like Mother Teresa.

11) “Tequila makes my clothes fall off”

Translation: Buy me a tequila!

12) “I don’t think you appreciate me”

Translation: Wine me, and dine me, you slug!

I am currently working on my Guy to Lady; and Lady to Guy dictionary. I know this will be a very valuable tool for both sexes.