Homeowner's Plight

I own a house. And like most houses, it occasionally needs routine maintenance. Well, routine for most people....There is nothing routine about maintenance when I am involved.

Most people think that I am a pretty intelligent person (people who don't know me well, anyway). But I just can't seem to get the knack of home repair. No matter how easy the job might appear, I end up making it look like I'm trying to tackle the "Manhattan Project".

So, for me, and all other inept people like me, I've written a song. It is sung to the tune of "I Want Candy" by the Strangeloves:

I own a house and things look bleak
The paint is peeling and the roof does leak
Can't change a bulb without falling off the ladder
My wife, she holds it, but that don't matter

I'm not handy! I'm not handy!

Got a clogged sink, and the fridge don't work
I should fix 'em, but I'm a jerk
I don't know pliers from a wrench
Can't even find my work bench

I'm not handy! I'm not handy!
I'm not handy! I'm not handy!
I'm not handy! I'm not handy!

Bad water heater, gutters that dangle
Ain't nothing 'round here that I can't mangle
Broken window and a ripped screen
If it gets any worse I'm gonna scream

I'm not handy! I'm not handy! No!

If a wire gets a short
I'll touch the wrong one and get a jolt
Got hospital bills by the pile
I keep 9-1-1 on speed dial

I'm not handy! I'm not handy!