This was my next nefarious scheme after "The Easter Egg Eating Contest"
When I was a young teen there was this girl that everyone had the hots for; her name was Pam Prue. Pam was a gorgeous girl for a fifteen year old. She had long flowing hair, a pretty face, and a big set of knockers; all of these things were rare for a fifteen year old girl in my school. All of the boys in school had the hots for her. One of these boys was my older brother Albert. Pam used to ride the same bus as Albert and I, and Albert was always drooling over her. The problem for Albert was that since she was so beautiful, she had her pick of any guy she wanted to go out with. Albert was over weight, and obnoxious, so he never really had any chance with her, and he knew it.
Shortly after the end of my freshman year during the summer vacation I was hanging around at my friend Doug’s house. Doug’s parents both worked during the day so Doug’s house was the logical place for us kids to hang out at during the day. Doug and I were bored, very bored and we didn’t know what to do for kicks. We were so bored that I finally said to Doug “I’m going to call Albert to see what he’s up to.” This shocked Doug because we NEVER wanted Albert to hang around with us.
I called my house and Albert picked up the phone “Hello” he said. I really don’t know what came over me, but I said in as high a voice as I could muster “Hello, Albert, this is Pam Prue.” Albert replied “Really?” I figured Albert would recognize my voice immediately but he didn’t, he really thought it was Pam Prue on the phone! Since I had Albert on the line (both literally and figuratively) I kept going using bashful sounding pauses to figure out what I was going to say. “Yes” I said, “Since school has ended I have missed not seeing you on the bus. I was wondering if maybe you could come by and see me?” Albert, noticeably taken by surprise said “Really?” I said “Yes really. I have been noticing you a lot lately and I think you are kind of cute. Can you come to my house and spend some time with me?” Albert said, I would like to but I have to mow the back yard right now.” “Well can you come over after you finish? I really would like to see you.” Albert replied, “I’ll be over as soon as I get done.” I said “Please hurry, I really want to see you!” Albert said “I’ll be there in an hour.” Then he hung up.
I hung up the phone and looked at Doug who was sitting at the table agape not believing what just happened. I said, “Let’s wait ten minutes then walk down to my house.” We waited ten minutes then made the short walk to my house. Out in the back yard was Albert sprinting back and forth across the back yard with the lawn mower! It took all of our self control not to bust out laughing until we got in the garage where Albert couldn’t see us. We weren’t laughing very long because here came Albert. Albert threw the lawn mower in the corner of the garage, jumped on my little sister’s banana bike that he was two sizes too big for and started peddling off. “Where are you going in such a hurry?” I shouted to him as he left. “Never mind you turkeys!” was all he said as he peddled away on the three mile trip to Pam’s house. Doug and I continued laughing our butts off until our sides were sore. Albert had once again reached a transcendental state of gullibility.
About an hour later I went home for lunch. My mother had various cold cuts and bread on the kitchen table so we could make sandwiches. Albert was making a sandwich so I strategically went on the other side of the table to make mine. I causally mentioned to Albert, “So Albert, how is Pam Prue?” Albert burst out “You son of a bitch!” and started chasing me around the table to a chorus of “Stop! Stop!” by my mother. I made a dash for the door and away I went.
Forty years have come and gone since that day. I have never found out what happened when Albert showed up at Pam’s front door. To this day Albert maintains he figured out my scheme before he got to her house, and turned around.
I know Albert better than that.
